I was on the internet the other day and I tripped across another song from my single days that once again brought back so many memories of the tears and heartache that so many of these songs personify.
Do any of you remember this song?
The theme is one that most of us have sung to ourselves at one time or another when we let someone go who we didn't really want to let go of. (There’s a male version of this theme that we’d all like to believe he’s singing to himself while crying over his own broken heart, but the likelihood of that is right up there with him singing along with the REO Speedwagon lyrics we’ve talked about before.)
And yet, as it sometimes happens, somewhere about the time you’re finally getting over your breakup with the guy who was so close to making a commitment but not quite there, it finally happens. After you finally let him go after trying everything to get him to commit, to help him see that a commitment with you was what he really wanted, your ex is back.
He's back.
Whether he’s calling you, texting you, showing up at your door or somewhere where he knows you’ll be, it’s exactly what you’d been hoping for. He’s telling you he’s changed his ways, seen the light, and he’s ready for what you’re looking for. It’s your dream come true!
Or is it?
How do you know he’s really changed or if he’s just looking for more of the same?
Well, as much as your beautiful giving, loving, believing, hoping heart would like to believe him, you’ve also gotten a lot stronger through this process and as much as you want to believe everything he’s telling you, the fact is, you’re not quite sure what to believe this time.
Do you let him back in and risk him breaking your heart again? Or do you tell him no, you can’t do this again, and risk missing out on what could have been the real thing?
With the ball in your court, the last thing you want to do is make the wrong decision about something that could mean the difference between your dream come true and your worst nightmare.
So it’s no wonder you feel such pressure to make the “right” decision.
Should you take him back?
While we would all love to have that crystal ball that could tell us exactly what the future will hold for the two of you, the reality is that there are some other things you can do to protect yourself from being heartbroken again while still giving him a chance to prove to you that he’s worthy of you this time around.
Be clear about your boundaries.
The first and most important thing is to make sure you set and communicate clear boundaries about what behaviors you are and not willing to accept. You’re the prize here, my beautiful friend. And being strong on what kind of behaviors you’re willing and not willing to put up with is so important to making sure you don’t have a repeat performance of what happened the first time around.
Boundaries are a good thing; if he respects them and can live with them, you’ll know he’s there. If he doesn't or can’t, you’ll know he’s not.
Take things slow.
The second important thing is to slow things way down. Of course he wants to speed them up and get right back where you left off. But that’s the last thing you want to do because you don’t know if you can trust him yet.
If it really is the real thing, it won’t matter how much you slow it down, it won’t change anything. Someone who respects you and is also looking for the real thing will understand this, too. If he doesn't, that’s important information for you to have.
Test the waters.
The third thing is to just date him.
Don’t go back to the way things were before on that exclusive level. Think of him as a date, as someone you’re getting to know better, and keep dating and keeping your options open like you were before. You really don’t know this new and improved version of him yet!
You're in control.
The fourth important thing is to remember that you’re the one doing the choosing here. Remember this is all about a mindset. This isn’t about him, it’s about you. And what this is about is him showing you why you should be letting him back into your life. So often you can be all too excited to see him that you forget that you’re still in control here, you need to make sure that he’s worth your you!
Don't give yourself away.
And finally, don’t sleep with him. No matter how much you want to, no matter how much he wants to. Whatever you do, don’t jump right in. You don’t want to get yourself involved intimately until you know where he’s at on every other level. Something happens to us when we give away ourselves too soon, so even if you've been there before with him, don’t go back there no matter how much he pressures you to.
This is about you, and not him.
The fact of the matter is, that although people can change, you need someone to prove to you he’s changed before you invest any more of your time and energy and beautiful you on getting right back where you were before.
You've been through this before, and you certainly don’t want to put yourself through this again! And remember, you don’t need to explain any of this to him or anyone else. Let your actions speak louder than your words by remembering all that you are, all that you have to offer someone, and know that just because he came back doesn't mean it’s meant to be.
Only when both of you are on the same page, looking for the same level of commitment with each other - and willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen – do you have the kind of relationship that you deserve!
How about you - have you ever found yourself in this situation? If so, did you take him back and how did you handle it? Tell us about it in the comments!
Honestly this passage really helped me but I feel torn at the moment in the situation I am in on whether I should take my ex back.
So here goes...I met this guy who was already taken (we stayed friends) although we were terrible at being friends. I told him I can no longer be his friend because I had fallen for him and it wasn’t right to get involved while he had a gf already but apparently he had fallen for me too. He left his gf for me and we started dating (kind of a bad idea I guess) we’ll 2 months into our relationship I found out he was talking to his ex the whole time. Every single day. So I broke up with him. He begged for me back, and I wasn’t going to budge but I did because I cared for him. But within those two months I had my suspicions and he lied to me constantly about not talking to her when he was. So now my trust has been broken but I am willing to try again. So a few more months of us “trying again” go by...
As of 3 weeks ago I just found out he’s been lying about being on social media and he even created a new Snapchat with her birthdate to try and get ahold of his ex because she supposedly sent him a drunk text one night about her being happy without him. So he went through all this trouble by lying to me so he could get ahold of her some way to question why she would send him that message. We also set a boundary for her number being blocked on his phone and I found out he never blocked it.
So I broke up with him again and he is begging for me back and I just don’t know what to do...
If he cheated on her with you... he'd cheat on you with her or anyone else for that matter. Cheaters cheat. Have you ever heard of KARMA? Well she's a bitch and she always comes back to bite you in the ass... always.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Trust me when I say I've had my fair share of pain from cheaters in my life and also my fair share of karma too. It hurts. There's life lessons in it all though. Find them so history doesn't have to repeat itself. Prayers going up for you love.
I have been through this before with the same man . Promises and more promises and more promises and more promises . Eventually the original reason why we are no longer together rears its ugly little head . People really don't change and you can't fix stupid .
Hi Jane,
I loved this article but I'm still no clearer on what I want to do!! When you said
'Do you let him back in and risk him breaking your heart again? Or do you tell him no, you can’t do this again, and risk missing out on what could have been the real thing?'
This could not be more relevant right now!
We were only together for a month (dating for around 2 before) and now only broken up for a week. Originally his reasoning was that he 'panicked' and thought things were going too fast... now he's opened up a little more and told me more about his insecurities and things. Now wanting to hang out and just see what happens while he tries to sort his head out.
I was in a serious relationship a couple of years ago and took him back after a short breakup and was really hurt again and all confidence was knocked. It took me two and a half years to let anyone close again! By hanging out again, am I just setting myself up for heartbreak again? My mum said that their traits are similar and I should stay clear (she's being protective) and myfriends say "do what you need to do and what's best for you".
I know it's not what you do, but I just feel like I need someone to tell me what do do!
Needing someone else to tell you what to do is the culprit of your troubles. I would start by figuring out why you need others to "tell you what to do". Why are you afraid of making your own decisions? Why don't you trust your own self? Why aren't you taking the wheel of your life?
I've been in that place of not trusting myself and thinking everyone knew better than me. I discovered that I had a lot of internal things to work out. No one can tell us what to do because they're not us. That's why your friends tell you to do what you know deep down you need to do. Consider what your mother has told you: this guy has similar traits to the last guy. If that is the case, and you really need to think about it and put it on paper so you can clearly see it, then you're in a pattern and patterns rarely are good. If you're in a pattern, do the inner work you need to figure out why and then how to break it.
I know my comment is hardly what you perhaps were looking for, but I do hope it helps you figure out where to start within you.
Personally, I wouldn't be with a man who "got scared" and dumped me and then wants to "hang out". That to me is emotional immaturity and cowardice. I wouldn't be able to trust him to be the man I need as a partner, so that would be an unequivocal no from me. Since I know myself enough to know that if I play the friends role with someone I already was with, I will end up hurting myself while he eats his cake and eats it too, being friends or whatever wouldn't work for me. I would go no contact and continue to live my life open to someone else and let him sort himself out on his time or with a girl that's better suited for his ways.
Mind you, this is me. This is the woman I have become. But I know other women are very different from me and handle things differently because different things work for them. That's where you need to figure out what works best for you. But always take good care of yourself. Don't leave that part in anyone else's hands.
Hi Jane,
I completely understand your article. I had been "seeing" a man since January, on and off many of times throughout the months, and in intermissions (I suppose, to try to get over him) I have dated a few men. But he always comes back to me, and I always seem to go back to him.
The reasons we have been on and off are mainly his lifestyle choices. Spending a lot of time travelling, at parties with his friends etc. Many of occasions letting me down when it came to date nights, occasions etc. He time and time again promises to change, but he just seems to repeat his mistakes.
My friends say if he really cared for me, he would have treated me better when he actually had me, instead of waiting for me to drift away before promising me the future I want.
It's such a difficult situation to be in and I respect reading all of the ladies stories above mine. I sometimes feel like I am weak because I do want him and the future he is now promising me, but how do I know whether to give him his 10th chance or to just say goodbye and get over him?
Thanks Jane
How did this work out for you in the end i wonder?
This article was extremely helpful. You have helped me make a decision. I'm not ready to let go of him completely, but I'm not willing to trust him wholeheartedly yet...so I think I will set strong boundaries and possibly date him more casually until I decide if he is worthy of all the love, time and attention I have to give. Slow and steady. Thank you
So glad it helped, Nina. Thank you. Love your plan! 🙂
SO I dated this guy about 3 years ago.. Only for a couple of months. He seemed perfect. Took me on fun dates, had a great personality and there was a lot of chemistry. Out of nowhere he started acting weird and pulling back. A couple of weeks later we met for drinks and he told me that his ex girlfriend had come back into his life. She was about to get married but she told him she would leave her fiancé if he would be with her. He had problems with her in the past, breaking up and not being able to commit. This is why he called things off with me. It really did hurt me because I was hopeful about things. Well I wrote things off with him and never talked to him again. 3 years later he messages me and asks me to meet him for drinks. I talked to a lot of people about it and they all thought it was a bad idea. In my gut I felt like it was a bad idea. But I went ahead and met with him. He was super open about everything that he had messed things up and he did not know what was wrong with him. He just got out of a 2 year relationship where he never really wanted to commit to her. I told him he needed time to be single and be alone to figure out what he wanted. But he kept telling me he wanted to hang out with me because he had good memories of us. So being stupid… I agreed to it. He continued to contact me daily until we went to dinner and a movie. That night i confronted him and told him I was not stupid and if he was just bored because he just got out of a relationship then he needed to move on. He seemed uncomfortable and acted weird after that. I just thought it was right of me to stand up for myself. He got us tickets for a show the next week. We did not talk much until the show came up. That night he seemed distant. We had fun but then afterwards I felt like he was pulling back again. Should I never have confronted him and told him that I was not going to stand for being a rebound and I just wanted to be friends? Am I an idiot for even considering the fact that maybe he had changed? When obviously he has a ton of commitment issues…
Hi Jane
I really appreciate your e-mails and the advice is very insightful. Thankyou.
Sadly for me I'm really rubbish at relationships. Or that's how I see it. I was married for 13 years. It was abusive and lonely. I have 4 children and I'm in my 40's. I found the courage to leave him and was on my own for nearly 10 years. I then made the decision to start dating.... My kids helped me set up a dating site profile and off I went. Admittedly I was (still) naive. So disastrous dates etc, kissed many frogs... I then met a lovely guy. I've been with him 18 months and I can honestly say for me it's true love. My dilemma is we have this on/off thing going. I want marriage, commitment the works. He says he does too but not yet. We're both damaged people from our previous relationships. Am I wrong for waiting? Because after all I love him. He makes me happy and I trust him implicitly. I know he would never harm a hair on my head. But.... There's always a but. I want more from him than he can give me. I simply do not know what to do.
I apologize if I went off subject. I've never commented before. I would be grateful of any help/advice. Thankyou x
You're never wrong for living your life in a way that you can live with, Clare. And you're not rubbish at relationships! We all do the best with what we know at the time, and we're always learning.
You have to do what works for you, with what gives you the greatest sense of peace and joy while leaving you with the least amount of regrets. What that looks like for you will be different from what it looks like for someone else, but that's how we all live our own lives and discover what we're meant to see for ourselves. By being open, by focusing on ourselves first for a change, by remember that we're the ones doing the choosing and we have nothing to prove to anyone else but ourselves, we discover the only truth that really matters - our own.
Do what you can live with, don't do what you can't, and focus on living your own life to its fullest so that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't make or break you. We're all on our own paths, and the only person you ultimately answer to is you.
Thanks jane. I appreciate your reply
My ex and I split up after four months of nice dating because he 'wasn't ready' for a relationship, he wanted to keep things going 'casually' but I said no and we had little contact except the odd text. He came back recently (after few months) telling me he missed me and wanted to be with me. With all the best intentions in the world I didn't stick to the above... I ended up sleeping with my him on the third date. I know I should have made boundaries clearer. Now I am confused - on one hand I want to treat it like a brand new relationship, date other people, take it slow, live my own life and see where it goes. On the other hand I am scared because of what happened before and because he wanted to be casual with me before. Should I ask him directly what his intentions are now? I would not do this after three dates with a brand new person but this is different because I already have an emotional involvement. I would appreciate your advice Jane, I value your opinion
Exactly, Laura. There's nothing wrong with asking him directly since you already have a history together. But the only way you're going to know for sure if he's ready this time is by seeing this over time. You're looking for things like consistency and a focus on him coming to you, and initiating with you, and doing more with you than just sleeping with you. You're looking for actions and behavior that supports his words and his "being ready" Only time will tell but you can protect your own heart from being broken again by doing what you've already come to for yourself - "On one hand I want to treat it like a brand new relationship, date other people, take it slow, live my own life and see where it goes." - Do exactly that! You know all this for yourself already. 🙂
Just an update Jane, I took your advice and was it apparent very quickly from observing his behavior that nothing has changed and he still isn't ready for the real thing. So I told him that it was lovely too see him again but that I was still looking for a boyfriend and not a casual relationship, so we should stop contacting each other. His response was 'I understand, take care of yourself'. So there is was in black and white and it only took me a few weeks to see through him, instead of months 🙂 it hurts but I am proud of myself
As you should be, Laura! When you're true to yourself and refuse to settle for anything less than you know in your heart you can live with, you find out exactly as you have who's truly on the same page - or not! 🙂
I parted ways with someone because I was ready to be exclusive and he was not. Now, he is back and wanting to see me because he misses me and wants me in his life.
I've reiterated to him what I want and that we need to be looking for the same things. He wants to take the reintroduction slowly to "not put pressure on us." He also said he knows what I want and he wouldn't have reached out to me again if that wasn't a possibility.
I subscribe to your 5-steps but how do I reconcile wanting exclusivity one minute and then dating him to get to know this new him the next? How can I set the boundary that we both need to be on the same page with wanting to be committed while just dating him and someone else (who I met in the interim) without expecting him to do the same when it was the whole reason we split up?
What I appreciate most about your advice, Jane, is that you rarely tell your readers what they should do explicitly but rather offer perspective so they can find their own way. I know what I want to do and, as you say, what I am comfortable with. What I struggle with is the inner conflict and contradiction of what I wanted 3 weeks ago versus what I want now. Ultimately, I still want the same thing but the path is different, I guess. Now, I am kind of okay with him dating someone else because I am, too. And I say 'kind of' because I am still attached to the thing I wanted before and worry that I am somehow comprimising my boundaries.
I want to hear that it's okay to change my mind because now I have new information. At the time, I wanted to be exclusive because I thought we were on the samepage and wanted the same things. Then, I realized that we weren't and we didn't. This is new information and I am no longer sure I choose him. And that's okay, right?
Exactly, Piper! You can change your mind, you can do something different, you can have a change of heart, you can do whatever you want to do because this is about what works for you, what you can live with, what you want in your life, what brings you peace and happiness and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. You're the only one you answer to. And that's exactly why, like you say, I "rarely tell your readers what they should do explicitly but rather offer perspective so they can find their own way", because if you just do what someone outside of yourself tells you to do, then you can't feel the confidence and the power yourself from being able to come to your own decision of clarity for yourself. Then the "aha" moment is all mine, not yours. And you won't reap the incredible benefits that come from that clarity. You've got this, Piper! 🙂
Hai Jane, I am 40 years old and was widowed 4 years ago. I have fallen in love with this man who seems to love me very much also but doesn't show it. He lost his wife also but has been in and out of relationships. He however tells my close friends that he loves me very much and just wants to sort out a few things about past relationships. I feel restless sometimes because of not knowing whether the relationship will work, especially when few days pass on without him communicating. I pray that God gives me this man.
Remember, Rebecca, that you only want someone in your life who wants to be in your life. If he's not there, if he doesn't want the same thing as you do, this is about him and never you. You're the prize, my beautiful friend. Don't take any of his actions - or lack of action - personally. You don't ever need to be chosen!
Don't be almost over him... be soooo over him ... that even if you saw him and he tried to get in your life again, you'd feel nothing and say no. Apathy is the opposite of love because it means your heart is impenetrable to his manipulation.
Because there's something about that kind of confidence that makes you see yourself in the beautiful light of who you really are, with all the power you truly do possess!
Yes i have experienced this part all to well. I have tried 3 times and 3 times my heart broke. O this article is the truth!
And I do belive people can change in time. But look at their life habits and you will see enough.
I do believe that if the two love eachother , they love
Eachothers the way they are. Maybe talks and small changes are
Necessary to keep the balans in the relationships. But I do not belive that people can
Change "just like that" certain things.
I have learned that power of love is huge. And that sometimes you
Just have to belive that he or she will never change. They are the way they
Are. And I may not love his "bad" charachter and I certainly can not change it!
He would have to do that part. I am no psychiatrist. and who am I to say a full list
Of changes that should be made. I am not a judge and thats not love either.
But why should I wait untill he changes? Is this man worth it? Am i fantasizing he can change?
He should find a women who loves his "bad" charachter and love him
The way he is. And a man who loves me who I am and the way I live now!
So no i would not give an ex another chance! No. And no to "he called or wrote a letter"
I do not read it or call.
P.s. Song is really 80's , look at that hair
Love love love your line of thinking and your honest questions, Maris. When you've been there, you understand exactly the questions that really matter, and how the reality of "what is" is so much more important than trying to change anybody or believing we can. Thank you for adding so much to this conversation!
And yes, it's hard to believe we looked like that back then! (Remind me to show you my own big hair pictures some day :))
Yes, I do have a guy that comes back and forth for already 10 years. You are probably wondering: and how come you did not tell him to go to hell 10 years ago? I did. I titally told him to stop bothering me 10 years ago. And you probably can't get it, how come I did not date other guys and meet anyone more reliable over those 10 years. I did. I dated a few other guys. I met someone I thought was a good mature, reliable man, we got married, had two kids, bought a house together...and then one dau this all fell apart. I was miserable, lonely, desperate, and to make things worth my old friend came right back for me (5 years after I told him to stop bothering me). So you are probably thinkins something like, OK, what were you thinking, you knew he was trouble, why did you take him back? In fact I did not. I kept him at a good distance and my heart safe from any love or attachment to him. But he did not give up. He would keep writing to me for 4 freaking years, untill one day I guess my heart gave a crack. I started doubting my own logic. I thought if I was soing it right, how come I am still alone. What am I doing wrong? Maybe he is my true love. So I decided to give it a second chance. And he promised, in writing he promised to me that this time he is for real. There never was anyone else in his life and he never would let me go. But we are back to where it was 10 years ago. On again, off again. And I did put a cross on any hopes for a future with him. I do date other men. But in my heart I am not completely free from him. I need to let go, and I did let go. But he keeps coming back and disturbing peace. It's like I'm cursed with him.
Actually, Nina, I understand your line of thinking all too well. It's hard to break free of someone like this when in reality, this has so much more to do with you than him! Of course you wanted to believe - and still want to! - that he could be your true love, especially because he keeps coming back so there is that part of you that imagines he could be the one. And because we can be so understanding, so loving, so giving, and so believing in the fairytale, it pulls that much more on our fantasy, especially when our reality falls apart around us and we start questioning everything.
The answer is found in our ability to finally say "enough", and when we come to that is always in our own time. Until we're ready to close the door completely, we have to want to. And then we have to give up being chased and be willing to look at why this is working for us and what we are getting out of it. No one can do this for us; we have to be there ourselves to see it. And that's why, my beautiful friend, it's always your decision. There's never any judgement here because we're all somewhere on this path. We all have to do what gives us the greatest amount of peace and calm in our lives and what leaves us with the least amount of regrets. No one can make that decision for you or tell you what to do.
So while you feel like you're cursed with him, Nina; know that you are also oh so powerful! And when you've had enough, when you're done with him - and done with whatever he brings to you - and ready to completely let go of him so that his call to reel you back in is answered by your silence by refusing to engage on any level with him - that's when it will be over. Know that you're not alone in this. I think many of us understand what you're talking about all too well, even as we ourselves are learning about our own power with men like this. It's a journey. But it will be a beautiful goodbye when you can say it.
Hi Jane. This happened to me. I had a 6 month relationship that was committed, fun, and seemed to be going really well. We are both divorced with kids - his divorce was quite ugly - so there are a lot of issues and extra stress factors, for sure.
Anyway, after 6 months, we had a bit of a blow up. His behavior triggered some difficult feelings in me, and I lost it a bit. We seemed to sort things out, but then I found out that during the days of the fight, when we weren't really speaking, he called up another woman and asked her on a date. (They didn't go out). I was devastated. I broke up with him, and told him in no uncertain terms that he had crossed a line.
I was devastated. It had been such a happy, comfortable and positive relationship and I couldn't understand what went wrong. We spoke twice in the next month, and he explained why he did what he did (I accepted his explanation and apology), and he told me he's not sure of anything. It was a difficult time. I SMS'd him once about a month later, to wish him a safe trip as I knew he had a trip planned with a family member. He answered back and seemed to appreciate the message. A couple of weeks later he called me, and we agreed to meet up. We spoke for hours and hours, and things felt like they were back on track. But I woke up the next morning with the clearest feeling that he was not quite there, not totally ready, and I couldn't risk putting my heart in under these circumstances. I called him the next morning and said that it wasn't going to work like this. Either we make a proper decision to really be together - body, mind and soul - even when the going gets tough, or we go our separate ways. He agreed and we said goodbye.
Two weeks later, much to my surprise, he called again. We spoke for a while and I asked why he called. He said he still had feelings for me. We agreed to meet over the weekend, and we decided to get together again properly. I made it clear that that meant exclusivity (no dating or contacting other women). He agreed, and things have been going really well since. I am making a strong effort to understand my feelings and not to get carried away when my triggers are set off (I have a tendency to be dramatic...). I admit that I am having trust issues with regards to what happened when we broke up, but I am choosing to trust him, and his behavior has so far been attentive, loving, communicative and trustworthy. He also seems to have learned since our breakup to talk things over rather than impulsively act to feel better.
Although I am really grateful that things have worked out, I find that I have to work very hard to control my anxiety that I am going to lose him for some reason. This kind of worry in a relationship can be very damaging. I have to make a conscious effort to ensure I am getting my needs met, and that I am not just trying to please him all the time. He makes it easy for me, as he is a considerate person. But I know that it can be tedious for the other partner when a person is anxious, insecure, and has difficulty trusting. I'd love to read an article on this topic Jane!
Thank you for sharing your story, Lili. There is nothing quite like that feeling of being out of control when your triggers are set off. The best cure for that, my beautiful friend, is to fill your world as much as possible with other things other than him. That way, when you have a little more emotional distance on your end, you're not as tempted to second-guess those little nuances that only you pick up on and make so much bigger than they are. By keeping yourself busy and your life full with other outside interests and hobbies and activities and events and causes (you get the picture!), you have less time to worry about what he is or isn't doing. Eventually, when you have a full life outside of him where you're able to get more of your needs met, what he does or doesn't do will hold less of a place in your mind than all the wonderful and exciting opportunities that you start to see when you get your needs met in more than one way from more than one person. Especially when we have a need for drama from our complicated pasts, if we can find a way to redirect that energy into something that benefits us or someone else, our relationships are always the better for it.
I'll write more about this in a future post, Lili, as I think many of us come from a similar place and struggle with this. In the meantime, keep the focus on you and creating and living your own beautiful life that you are so deserving of. Remember in those times of anxiousness and fear - for that's really what it all comes down to - that if someone is right for you, they will love and accept this part of you, too. It's only when we truly come to love and accept all of ourselves - including the parts we like the least - that we open the door for someone else to love these parts of us as well.
You are lovable, Lili; no matter who you are deep down inside or where you've been or what your story is, you deserve nothing less than to be loved fully and completely for the beautiful soul you are!